Heart Matters

My heart feels shredded and shredded again,
seems like there is nothing left but the bloody mud of its remains
I wonder – should I put it in a mold and bake it?
Eat it and hope by devouring it, it might grow back again in the ripped open cage of my body?
Or shall I put it in the freezer and suck it like a lollypop once it is frozen?
I still have hope…
Maybe I won’t lose myself completely
Though after all these years – I wonder what is left of me for real?
But once I mention my pain and fears – you raise your eyebrows and wrinkle your nose
as if my exposed weakness is a stench you can barely bear
And when I cry and beg you feel offended and injured
Me protecting my boundaries is the worst offense and crime one can commit against you
I wonder what kind of heart resides inside your body – or has it been ripped out too?
Long ago and there is just that hollow cave left haunted by the ghost of your humanity?
Or has it turned into stone for real?
Must be a heavy burden
But maybe that is why what you call kindness and charity weighs so heavy on my chest
I can barely breathe?
Maybe that is why I feel what you call love feels like a stone tied to my leg and – help God – I can barely stay above the water?
But well – you talk of love and sacrifice and solidarity
But have no second thoughts nailing anyone to the cross or bed – well knowing
They can never rise from the dead – no matter how many days they are given.
Dressed up selfishness posing as good will to gain my trust
A fake smile of well calculated friendliness to show the world
that your intents are the purest shade of white
But my pain becomes words and my words become a weapon, my voice becomes my armor
and if I can not move or change you,
at least I know my core is safe from you
The spell is broken
Your pattern has no hold and is blown away
And I still stand here – whole, lovable.
At least my humanity is restored.